Over the last few posts I've come to realise that I'm mainly writing this for me now. I used to think that I might be able to offer some insight into new perspective or share some wisdom that I might have. I realise now that I can't offer those things and that before my ego overwhelmed me.
I think I take myself too seriously at times; I don't leave myself any room for error and that in itself is my downfall. The more seriously I take myself, the less seriously everyone else takes me because they can just see all my silly mistakes. It's taken time for me to realise that I've put myself on a pedestal, and just set myself up to fall.
I've never been able to admit that I am scared. I am scared. Of course I am, every one is. Someone asked me recently if I ever get lonely, and I lied. I said I don't. Because for the most part I am used to being alone. I don't mind people coming and going in my life, I'm used to that by now, it seems a little cold-hearted, but I can deal with losing people, that doesn't faze me. I guess one of the main reasons for that is because I am not that close to anyone. I don't know why, I don't feel like I hold things back. I am fairly open about my emotions.
I've been watching programs and films and people recently and realising that I am lonely. I miss having a close bunch of friends. I miss having people I can talk to and mess around with and laugh with. I miss being in company I can make a fool out of myself in. The people that have seen me let go are the closest people to me, yet at the moment they seem terribly far away.
For the most part, I imagine this just seems like a little rant about how lonely I truly feel. I guess it is just that. I like to think though, at the same time it is some insight for myself. So I can see what I have become. So I can see that I am not perfect, I am not flawless, I do need people, I do get lonely. I guess the next step is finding out why I can't get close to anyone anymore.
To be continued I guess...
P.
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