My Life

This will just be a quick post before I leave for work, but I guess I need to talk about this, to get a weight off of my mind.

Over the last few posts I've come to realise that I'm mainly writing this for me now. I used to think that I might be able to offer some insight into new perspective or share some wisdom that I might have. I realise now that I can't offer those things and that before my ego overwhelmed me.

I think I take myself too seriously at times; I don't leave myself any room for error and that in itself is my downfall. The more seriously I take myself, the less seriously everyone else takes me because they can just see all my silly mistakes. It's taken time for me to realise that I've put myself on a pedestal, and just set myself up to fall.

I've never been able to admit that I am scared. I am scared. Of course I am, every one is. Someone asked me recently if I ever get lonely, and I lied. I said I don't. Because for the most part I am used to being alone. I don't mind people coming and going in my life, I'm used to that by now, it seems a little cold-hearted, but I can deal with losing people, that doesn't faze me. I guess one of the main reasons for that is because I am not that close to anyone. I don't know why, I don't feel like I hold things back. I am fairly open about my emotions.

I've been watching programs and films and people recently and realising that I am lonely. I miss having a close bunch of friends. I miss having people I can talk to and mess around with and laugh with. I miss being in company I can make a fool out of myself in. The people that have seen me let go are the closest people to me, yet at the moment they seem terribly far away.

For the most part, I imagine this just seems like a little rant about how lonely I truly feel. I guess it is just that. I like to think though, at the same time it is some insight for myself. So I can see what I have become. So I can see that I am not perfect, I am not flawless, I do need people, I do get lonely. I guess the next step is finding out why I can't get close to anyone anymore.

To be continued I guess...

P.

Hunting Wolves

That's right, I've changed the title of my blog.

Today I wanted to talk about the New Year and how we sometimes expect too much of the passing of a day. How that one day doesn't make a difference at all.

Then I decided that was ultimately going to be a negative rant, so I've decided to use this moment in time to do the opposite of every one else. Out there, there are people who will use the New Years as a time to change themselves and there are others, who will ignore the new date and go on as just every other day. I want to take this moment to reflect (it seems only appropriate after my cousin Tori's request a couple of months back).

2012 - I am currently in the 26th year of my life and I can honestly say I don't know where the last eight years have gone. I often feel as though I haven't accomplished much, so I want to take a second to stop and think about what I have done.

Tori asked me what things have I done already that I would have put on my bucket list, well, this will be hard but I think I can find a few. Some of them are only recent, some of them are old, some are sappy, some are cool. I hope you enjoy them.

1 - fall in love - gay, but true.

2 - write a poetry book - I've done this twice now, and it's a great feeling. (also gay, but also true)

3 - Go to Japan.

4 - Appear in a film.

5 - Write a song - I've actually written ten now, their quality is disputable.

6 - Travel around the world.

7 - Get my caricature drawn every 7 years in Orlando - I have so far.

8 - Learn piano - sort of.

9 - learn to sing - again, sort of.

10 - Go up the Empire State.

11 - See a broadway show - I've seen about six now. Lucky me!

12 - Move out of Essex - this may seem lame, but I was getting seriously bummed out living there, the change did me good.

13 - Celebrate New Years, Christmas and My Birthday abroad - I've done all of these, numerous times. I've been very lucky to visit Bangkok, Rome, Athens, Hong Kong, Paris, Kefalonia, New York, Luxor and Singapore.

14 - Go abroad at least once a year - only just, but I've managed it, and I'm already set for 2012.

15 - Get in a fight. - Now this may seem like a strange addition, but I like to think it's given me certain characteristics that benefit me - I'd never fight now, but the fact that I did at the time, for what I believe was for good, is a good thing.

That'll do for now, I'm sure there are plenty more. The fact is, I've had a full and varied life so far, and I shouldn't keep looking to the future to be better. I should focus on what is happening now and what I can achieve now - hopefully that way I will be able to look back and say I was always doing what I loved. Always experiencing new things, always pushing myself to do more and learn more every day. I don't want to make objectives just for the destination, but for the journey they take me on and the memories they will leave with me.

I don't want to tell people how they should view the New Year. I don't want people to do things the way I do them. If people think they need a fresh start, brilliant, do that. If people aren't interested in having a fresh start, don't do a thing. But I beg of everyone to remember all the good things that have happened so far, and all the good things that can happen in the future if you simply just trust your own instincts. Do what is right for you!

Peace and love, ladies and gentlemen,

P.